How to Get Grandparents and Family on Board with Your Parenting Style

Navigating family dynamics can be one of the most delicate aspects of parenting—especially when grandparents, in-laws, or extended family members play an active role in your child’s life. While their support can be incredibly valuable, it can also come with unsolicited advice, outdated methods, or conflicting opinions about how your children should be raised. If you’ve ever felt frustrated after a holiday gathering or cringed at a comment about your “gentle parenting” approach, you’re not alone.

The key to maintaining both your parenting boundaries and healthy family relationships is clear, respectful communication. Here's how to get grandparents and family members on board with your parenting style without causing unnecessary tension.

1. Get Clear on Your Own Parenting Values First

Before you bring anyone else into the conversation, make sure you're confident and aligned in your own parenting choices. Whether you’re parenting solo or with a partner, being clear about your non-negotiables and what matters most (e.g., screen time limits, discipline approach, sleep routines, food choices) gives you a strong foundation to communicate with others.

You don’t need to justify every decision—but being able to articulate your “why” in a calm, confident way helps others understand your perspective and builds credibility.

2. Communicate Early and Proactively

Don’t wait until tensions rise to explain your boundaries. Have a conversation before a sleepover, vacation, or family event to outline what matters most to you. For example:

“We’ve been working really hard on helping Ella feel secure during bedtime. She’s made a lot of progress, so we’d really appreciate it if you could stick to the routine we’ve created while she’s with you.”

Frame your ask with appreciation and clarity. Most grandparents genuinely want to help, and many just need direction. When they know your preferences ahead of time, it’s easier for them to respect your choices.

3. Use “We” Language, Not “You” Accusations

The language you use can make a big difference. Statements that begin with “You always…” or “You never…” are likely to trigger defensiveness. Instead, use collaborative language like:

• “We’re trying a new approach that’s been working really well for our family.”

• “We know you have so much experience, and we’d love your help sticking with what we’ve been doing.”

• “We’d appreciate your support as we work on this together.”

This keeps the conversation open and non-confrontational.

4. Acknowledge Their Experience—Even if You Do Things Differently

It’s important to recognize that your parents or in-laws raised children in a different time. When your choices differ from how they parented, it may feel like a criticism of their past efforts. Ease this tension by acknowledging their experience:

“You did such a great job raising us, and a lot has changed since then. We’re learning new approaches that work for our kids and today’s world, and we hope you’ll be open to trying them with us.”

Respecting their history helps them feel included rather than dismissed.

5. Pick Your Battles—and Make Room for Flexibility

Not every moment with grandparents needs to follow your rulebook. There’s a difference between a small indulgence and a major boundary breach. Allowing some flexibility with things like extra dessert or a later bedtime at grandma’s house can help grandparents feel connected and special—without undermining your core parenting values.

That said, if a boundary is crucial to your child’s wellbeing (like enforcing allergy safety or avoiding punishment), stay firm and consistent.

6. Put It in Writing (Gently)

If your child regularly spends time with family (overnights, after-school care, etc.), consider creating a short written guide outlining routines, preferences, and boundaries. Present it as a helpful tool rather than a list of rules:

“We put together a little cheat sheet for when you’re watching the kids—just to make things easier and help everything go smoothly!”

This could include bedtime routines, screen time limits, food restrictions, or communication strategies you’re using (like “we use redirection instead of time-outs”).

7. Model the Communication You Want to See

If you're working on respectful, emotionally attuned parenting with your children, show that same grace in your interactions with family. Modeling open communication, curiosity, and kindness reinforces that your approach is grounded, thoughtful, and intentional—not reactionary or rigid.

8. Stay Consistent and Give It Time

Not everyone will understand or embrace your parenting choices right away. That’s okay. The most powerful way to bring others on board is to show how your approach benefits your child over time. When family members see the calm, connected relationship you’re building, they’re more likely to come around.

Remember: consistency builds trust. Over time, even skeptical family members may become your biggest allies.

Final Thought

Getting grandparents and extended family on board with your parenting style is a process, not a one-time conversation. Lead with empathy, clarity, and confidence—and keep the lines of communication open. At the end of the day, most family members want the same thing you do: a happy, healthy child and a loving connection.

By setting expectations early, respecting generational differences, and holding space for learning, you can build a united support system that uplifts your entire household.